


Little Miss Leni Needed A Penny

by CaptainDodge



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Arachnophobia, Gen, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29152521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDodge/pseuds/CaptainDodge
Summary: Vampires of Melancholia Live is coming to Royal Woods, and Leni Loud wants to go see it! But if she wants a ticket, she'll have to get some serious dough, fast -- even if it means pet-sitting for a tarantula!
Relationships: Lynn Loud Jr./Original Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	Little Miss Leni Needed A Penny

**Author’s Note: Hey-ho! Well, in celebration of my birthday, I’ve released yet another script fic! Yeah, it’s pretty much a tradition at this point…**

**Now, the last time I wrote one of these fics, I posted it on FF.Net as well as AO3. Now, since that’s against the rules at FF.Net, I was a little worried, but nothing happened. I don’t feel like testing my luck a second time, though, so this fic will be a one-and-only _AO3 exclusive!_ (…And also DeviantArt, but let’s be real here – unless your name is MrTyeDye, _no-one_ is going to read your fics on DeviantArt.)**

**Also, this fanfic was brought to you by Big Franken Pretzels TM – all the quality and care of a family recipe passed down through the generations all the way from Franconia, and the price to match! Now in “Little Big Franken PretzelsTM” Snack Size! Big Franken Pretzels – _Gott im Himmel,_ that’s some good frankin’ food!**

**And now, with all the legal mumbo-jumbo out of the way, enjoy!**

**I’m Captain Dodge – thank you, and have a nice day!**

(…)

_(We open at the Royal Woods Mall. Lori and Leni Loud are browsing purses in a boutique. Leni picks out a bag with sequins arranged in a fancy pattern on it.)_

**LENI:** O M _Gosh,_ Lori! This tote is _totes_ adorbs!

 **LORI:** Ignoring the Luan-quality pun, you’re _right!_ _(checks the price tag)_ Oh, but how are we going to pay for it, though?

 **LENI:** Don’t worry, Lori! I’ve got it covered!

_(They take the bag to the counter. Leni pulls out a fat roll of bills, which Lori gazes at in awe. Leni peels several bills off, pays for the bag in cash, and recieves a receipt before the two of them leave.)_

**LORI:** You know, Leni, even though I’ve seen it a million times before, it never ceases to amaze me when you pull out all that cash…

 **LENI:** I know, right? It feels _so_ good to have your own money! No need to go begging to Mom and Dad – you can just buy whatever you want!

 **LORI:** Well, as long as you have the cash, that is…

 **LENI:** Right! And since my job at Reininger’s pays so well, I _always_ have enough! Speaking of – let’s get some Big Franken PretzelsTM at the food court! My treat!

_(They head to the food court. When they get there, they run into Lucy and her friends in the Mortician’s Club, munching on some Big Franken Pretzels TM.)_

**LORI:** Lucy?

 **LUCY:** Oh, hey, Lori. Leni.

 **LENI:** Hey! So, like, what are you doing here?

 **LUCY:** Didn’t I tell you yesterday? My friends and I have been camping out in line here at the mall to buy tickets to _Vampires of Melancholia Live._

 **LENI:** _(gasps) VoM Live?_

 **HAIKU:** “VoM”?

 **LUCY:** _Sigh…_ That’s their nickname for the show.

 **HAIKU:** _Sigh…_

 **LUCY:** Anyways… _Vampires of Melancholia_ is doing a live show here at the Royal Woods Mall next Tuesday night. Afterwards, the cast and crew will be doing a Q and A and signing autographs.

 **LORI:** _(gasps, turns and grabs Leni by the shoulders)_ Leni… do you know what this means?

 **LENI:** Yeah! We get to watch a live episode of _VoM!_

 **LORI:** Not only that, but we could get autographs and selfies with the cast! Edward Moore…

 **LENI:** _(gasps)_ Kate Kaktus…

 **LORI:** Grant Collins…

 **LORI AND LENI:** _Blake Bradley!_

_(Lori and Leni lock hands and bounce up and down, squealing.)_

**LUCY:** Yeah, but I wouldn’t bother trying to buy tick –

 **LORI:** Oh my gosh, Leni, we _have_ to buy tickets!

 **LUCY:** No, guys, they’re sold ou –

 **LENI:** Yeah! Let’s go before they’re sold out!

 **LUCY:** Guys, _wait –_

_(Lori and Leni zoom off to the ticket booth. Lucy and her friends watch them go.)_

**LUCY:** _Sigh…_

 **HAIKU:** Shouldn’t we tell them?

 **LUCY:** If you can catch up to them, you’re welcome to try. But I’m sure they’ll find out themselves soon enough. _(takes a bite out of her Big Franken Pretzel TM)_ Could you pass the mustard?

_(Morpheus, one of the members of the Mortician’s Club, closes his eyes and raises his hand. The mustard bottle rises and floats in midair as eerie music plays. Morpheus floats the bottle over to Lucy.)_

**LUCY:** Thanks. _(spreads mustard on her Big Franken Pretzel TM)_

(…)

_(Cut to an establishing shot of Flip’s Food & Fuel. Inside, Lori and Leni are sipping on Flippees and eating Big Franken PretzelsTM from the mall.)_

**LORI:** I can’t believe all the tickets to _VoM Live_ are sold out already!

_(Flip, sitting at the counter, stops reading what may or may not be a dirty magazine and starts listening intently.)_

**LENI:** I know, right? Why didn’t Lucy tell us? _(sighs)_ Oh, well… so much for selfies with Blake Bradley…

 **FLIP:** _Ahem…_

 **LORI:** Come on, Leni, we can’t give up so easily – this is a _once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!_ We _have_ to go to that live show!

 **LENI:** But how? Where are we going to get tickets?

 **FLIP:** _Ah-HEM!_

 **LORI:** We’ll think of something, Leni, don’t worry! Now, let’s think – who do we know that might have the resources to get those kinds of tickets for us…?

 **FLIP:** _AH-HEH-HERH-HEH-HURH-HEHR- **HEHM!**_

 **LORI:** _(turns to him)_ Oh, for Pete’s sake, Flip, drink some water!

 **FLIP:** I, uh, couldn’t help but overhear yer little, uh… _situation…_

 **LENI:** Eavesdropping? Ugh, _rude!_

 **FLIP:** Eh, well, if _that’s_ yer attitude, then I guess ya won’t be needin’ my help, then…

_(Lori and Leni gasp, rushing up to the counter.)_

**LORI:** You can get us tickets to _VoM Live?_

 **FLIP:** No…

_(Lori and Leni roll their eyes and groan.)_

**FLIP:** …but I know someone who _can!_

 **LENI:** Really?! Who?

 **FLIP:** Hang tight, chief…

_(Flip pulls out a remote and presses the button on it. The sign on the Food & Fuel changes to “Tucker’s Tix & Tux” and the counter takes on the appearance of a ticket booth, while Flip ducks under the counter and pops back up wearing a tuxedo and a nametag that says “Tucker”.)_

**FLI – UH, “TUCKER”:** Welcome to “Tucker’s Tix & Tux”!

 **LORI:** _(bemused)_ Uh…

 **LENI:** Hi, Tucker! Say… _(scratches her chin)_ …has anyone told you that you look a lot like Flip?

 **“TUCKER”:** Yeah, I get that a lot. Flip’s my first cousin once removed!

 **LENI:** Oh, really?

_(Lori gives Leni a dry stare.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Yep! That Flip’s a real stand-up guy, ya know? He lets me rent out his building fer my business, an’ he _never_ cheats his customers!

 **LENI:** Well, that’s nice of him!

 **LORI:** _(facepalms)_ _Ugh…_

 **“TUCKER”:** So, word on the grapevine is that yer in the market fer some tickets to _Vampires of Melancholia Live,_ eh?

 **LENI:** Oh, wow! Word travels fast around here!

 **LORI:** _(sighs)_ Yes, that’s right…

 **“TUCKER”:** Well, it just so happens that I’ve got four tickets in stock right now!

_(He holds up the tickets. Lori and Leni gasp.)_

**LENI:** Ooh… they’re beautiful… We’ll take two!

 **“TUCKER”:** That’ll be 150 smackers – each!

 **LENI:** Thank you very – _WHAT?!_

 **LORI:** _(simultaneously) WHAT?!_ That’s _three times_ the cost at the mall!

 **“TUCKER”:** Hey, these tickets weren’t cheap! Ol’ Tucker’s gotta turn a profit somehow! Now, you ladies want the tickets, or not?

 **LENI:** _Grrr_ … All right, _fine! (reaches into her new purse; under her breath)_ Franking scalper…

_(She pulls out her roll of bills, smacking them down on the counter.)_

**LENI:** Will this cover it?

_(“Tucker” counts up the money.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Hmmm… _(pushes the money back)_ Afraid not, chief.

 **LORI:** What? Leni, I thought you had more money than that!

 **LENI:** I _did –_ before I bought this purse! Ooh… Lori, how much money do you have?

_(Lori pulls out her wallet, while Leni takes her money back. With their backs turned to “Tucker”, they total up their money. Lori sighs.)_

**LORI:** Sorry, Leni… this is only going to be enough for one ticket and change…

 **LENI:** Oh, no… Now what?

 **LORI:** Hmm… When was your last payday, Leni?

 **LENI:** _(glumly)_ Today… which means the next one is next Wednesday – _after_ the show… _(chews on her thumbnail)_ Oh, what are we gonna do?

 **LORI:** I’ll tell you what _you’re_ going to do – first, you’re going to _stop that! (pushes down Leni’s arm)_ You’ll ruin your nail job. Second, you’re going to buy that ticket, and you’re going to go see _VoM Live_ and get an autograph from Blake Bradley! _(quietly)_ _And also one for me…_

 **LENI:** What? No, Lori, I can’t go without you…!

 **LORI:** Leni… _(puts her hand on Leni’s shoulder)_ …only one of us can afford to go. And I want it to be _you._ Please, just go – and enjoy it for the both of us…

_(Leni vehemently shakes her head.)_

**LENI:** _No way!_ There’s _got_ to be another way…!

_(Leni thinks for a few moments. Then, the fluorescent light overhead flickers on, and she snaps her fingers.)_

**LENI:** Tell you what, Lori – you go buy the ticket for yourself now, and I’ll take on a few jobs on the side to pay for mine!

 **LORI:** No, Leni, I couldn’t possibly –

 **LENI:** Lori, listen – _I_ have a job. _I_ can make the money back. And I can pay _you_ back any money I might owe you after I’ve paid for this ticket! _(puts her hands on Lori’s shoulders)_ Don’t worry, Lori – I’ll be fine. I promise.

_(Beat, as Lori looks at Leni with an unsure look. Leni looks back at her pleadingly. Finally, Lori slumps her shoulders and relents.)_

**LORI:** …Okay, Leni. _(turns to Flip, puts their collected money on the counter)_ One, please!

_(Flip counts up the money, then hands a ticket and their change back to Lori. Lori turns back to Leni.)_

**LORI:** Leni, are you _sure_ you can make enough money by next Tuesday?

 **LENI:** _Totes_ sure! Don’t worry, Lori – I’m _great_ at making money!

(…)

_(We see a montage of Leni doing odd jobs for cash. First, we see her wearing gloves and weeding Mr. Grouse’s yard and garden. She uproots a weed, wipes her brow, and admires her handiwork before walking up to Mr. Grouse at the front door.)_

**LENI:** All done, Mr. Grouse!

 **MR. GROUSE:** Did you weed the area behind the shed out back?

 **LENI:** …Behind the shed?

 **MR. GROUSE:** Ah, what am I saying? If you’d gone back there, you wouldn’t be here talking to me right now!

 **LENI:** Ex… cuse me?

_(Mr. Grouse shows Leni to the area behind the shed out back. An inhuman roar is heard as Leni stares with a wide-eyed expression. She and Mr. Grouse back away cautiously to safety.)_

**MR. GROUSE:** Ever heard of weed-whackers? Well, if you’re not careful, those weeds will whack _you._

_(The look of horror remains frozen on Leni’s face.)_

**MR. GROUSE:** You’ll need this. _(hands Leni a bottle of weed killer)_ And _this. (hands her a machete)_ And _this. (hands her a crucifix)_ Good luck!

_(He starts walking away. Leni’s face remains petrified. Mr. Grouse stops and looks back.)_

**MR. GROUSE:** Oh, and that reminds me – tell your sister, the one with the glasses, to stop dumping her weird chemicals over the fence into my yard! Just because my policy is “my yard, my property” doesn’t mean I want _everything_ that lands in my yard!

_(He goes back inside. A thorny tentacle emerges from behind the shed and wraps itself around Leni’s arm, snapping her back to reality. She starts hacking at it with the machete as it tries to drag her behind the shed.)_

(…)

_(A scene transition of dollar bills falling down, accompanied with the chime of a cash register, occurs, showing Leni walking three large dogs – a pit bull, a St. Bernard, and a Great Dane. The dogs are suddenly yanked back on their leashes, and they turn to Leni, annoyed, only to see that she has stopped to chat up a young, attractive man whom she is clearly taken with. The dogs look irritated, until they see another person walking their dog across the street. Upon seeing the other dog, an attractive poodle, the three dogs’ eyes turn to hearts, and they start panting and lurch forwards. Leni is yanked off her feet by their strength, and she screams as the three dogs start chasing after the poodle, dragging her behind them.)_

(…)

_(Scene transition occurs again. This time, two parents coming home from a dinner alone come up the stairs and peek into their young daughter’s room. Inside, the girl is in bed, and Leni, now having quite a few band-aids on her face and arms, is reading her a bedtime story.)_

**LENI:** …And they all lived happily ever after… except for the evil wizard, who was quite dead, and very _un_ happy about it. The end.

_(The girl yawns and turns onto her side, closing her eyes. Leni pulls the covers over her, tucking her in.)_

**LENI:** Good night, sweetie…

_(Leni kisses the girl’s head. The parents smile at each other, and when Leni leaves the room and gives them two thumbs up, they pay her for her babysitting job.)_

(…)

_(Another scene transition occurs. This time, Leni is running her “Fashun (sic) Advice” booth. A young lady wearing a pink shirt and beige pants walks up and pays Leni for her services.)_

**LENI:** Pink shirt and _beige_ pants? Uh-uh. Go with white pants!

_(Satisfied, the lady leaves. Next, a dashing young fellow in a white shirt, a black tie, black pants, black loafers, and a black trilby walks up and pays Leni for her services.)_

**LENI:** Tie your outfit together with a waistcoat!

_(Satisfied, the dashing fellow leaves. Next, a very young boy who can barely reach the money jar walks up and pays for Leni’s services. She leans over the table to get a better look at his clothes.)_

**LENI:** Start wearing pants.

_(She leans over the table for another look.)_

**LENI:** …And _under_ pants.

_(Dissatisfied, the young boy leaves. Leni counts up her money and smiles.)_

(…)

_(Another scene transition. This time, Leni is in her room, using the sewing machine and looking tired. She finishes her piece, a tiny pink dress, and wipes her forehead.)_

**LENI:** _Whew…_ Here you go, Lola!

_(She hands the dress to Lola.)_

**LOLA:** _(squeals)_ I _love_ it! Oh, Princess Ponystar, you are going to _die_ when you see this!

_(Lola reaches into her sash and produces ten dollars.)_

**LOLA:** Job well done, madame…

_(Leni looks at her payment, dissatisfied.)_

**LENI:** Is that it? Ten dollars?

 **LOLA:** One order, one payment. Unless you’d be willing to provide accouterments for _all_ of my tea party guests…?

_(Leni looks at her payment, thinks about it, then sighs.)_

**LENI:** …What did you have in mind?

_(Lola runs up to her with crude drawings, smiling eagerly.)_

**LOLA:** Do you have any silk?

_(Leni sighs again.)_

(…)

_(Final scene transition, establishing shot of Flip’s Food & Fuel. Inside, Flip is manning the counter, and we see Leni drag herself up to it, looking exhausted.)_

**LENI:** _Huff… Huff…_ H-Hi, Flip… Is Tucker here? I need to talk to him…

 **FLIP:** Eh, sure, chief, he’s in the back. Lemme go get ‘im for ya…

_(Flip ducks behind the counter, and the counter changes to look like a ticket booth again. Flip – sorry, “Tucker” – pops up wearing his tuxedo.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Welcome to Tucker’s Tix & Tux! What can I do ya fer?

 **LENI:** Oh, hi, Tucker! Wow, you got here fast! Um, so, do you still have those tickets to _VoM Live?_

 **“TUCKER”:** Yer in luck, chief – there’s one left in stock!

_(“Tucker” holds up said ticket, which appears to have an angelic backlight to Leni.)_

**LENI:** _Oooh…_ _(digs money out of her purse and puts it on the table)_ I’ll take it!

_(“Tucker” takes the money and counts it up.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Eh, sorry, chief, but this ain’t enough to cover the cost...

 **LENI:** Wh… What? No… No, that’s not possible! It’s 150 dollars! I counted! _Three times!_

 **“TUCKER”:** That was the _old_ price. Now it’s _200 bucks._

 **LENI:** _What?!_ B-But…! I…! _Y-You can’t do that!_

 **“TUCKER”:** Sure I can! Ain’t you ever heard of “supply ‘n demand”, chief? _(holds up ticket)_ These babies are in _low supply,_ and _high demand,_ so the price went up!

 **LENI:** But that’s not _fair!_

 **“TUCKER”:** Life ain’t fair, chief! Now, it’s 200 bucks, or _nothin’!_

 **LENI:** _(falling to her knees)_ Oh, please, Mr. Tucker, _please,_ I _need_ that ticket! I worked _so_ hard to get _this_ much!

 **“TUCKER”:** Then ya can work _just_ as hard to raise fifty more bucks, can’t ya?

 **LENI:** But what if someone comes and buys the ticket while I’m gone? I can’t take that risk! _Please,_ Mr. Tucker, can’t you find it in your heart to show charity _just this once…?_

 **“TUCKER”:** _(folds his arms)_ No money, no honey, chief. That’s our policy.

_(Thinking that all her hard work was for nothing, Leni’s lip starts quivering, and her eyes well up.)_

**LENI:** Uh… _Uh…! UWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_

_(Leni bursts into tears, cartoon style – tears gush out of her eyes like a fountain, falling onto the floor. “Tucker” rolls his eyes.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Ah, if I had a dollar fer every time someone pulled the ol’ “feel sorry fer me” gag on me, I’d have enough money ta’ retire by now!

 **LENI:** _I’m sorry, Lori…! I’m sorry, Lucy…! I’M SORRY, BLAKE BRADLEY!_

_(Leni continues to cry, sinking to the floor in a puddle of her own tears. “Tucker” sighs.)_

**“TUCKER”:** Aw, c’mon, kid, _suck it up!_ Yer makin’ a mess on my floor…!

 **LENI:** _WAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

_(After a few uncomfortable moments of Leni being a huge crybaby, “Tucker”’s look softens. He groans and facepalms, knowing he’s going to regret this, then claps his hands.)_

**“TUCKER”:** _All right, all right, I get it!_ Turn off the waterworks, already! _(sighs)_ Look, chief, I don’t normally do this, but since I think yer so dang pathetic, I’ll cut ya a deal.

_(Leni gets up onto her knees, sniffling.)_

**“TUCKER”:** If ya run some errands ‘round here fer me, _(waves the ticket)_ ol’ Tuck will hang onta this here ticket for ya until ya can scrounge up enough dough. Sound fair?

_(Leni jumps up, her eyes sparkling.)_

**LENI:** _You’d do that?! For me?! Oh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU –!_

 **“TUCKER”:** Hey, hey, now, don’t thank me until ya’ve got the money, huh? An’ ya better have it by Monday, or I’ll sell it to someone who _has_ got the cash, got it?

 **LENI:** Don’t worry, Mr. Tucker! I’ll have that money for you by Monday, sure thing!

 **“TUCKER”:** We’ll see. Now, the first thing ya can do ‘round here is clean up that puddle o’ tears ya made. _(tosses Leni a keyring)_ Grab a mop – it’s in the maintenance closet out back.

 **LENI:** You’ve got it, Mr. Tucker!

_(She leaves to fetch the mop… and immediately slips on her tears.)_

(…)

_(Cut to the Loud house. Lincoln and Lisa are sitting on the living room sofa – Lincoln is watching TV, and Lisa is reading a thicc science book. Lana is playing leap frog with Hopps. Leni enters through the front door, bone-tired. Groaning, she flops down onto the couch between Lisa and Lincoln.)_

**LINCOLN:** Hey, Leni. How was work?

 **LENI:** _Uggggghhhhh…_ Please don’t say the “W”-word to me right now…

 **LINCOLN:** …“Was”?

 **LENI:** _Urrrrrrgggghhhh…_

_(She looks at the TV screen. A commercial for Big Franken Pretzels TM is playing.)_

**LENI:** …I could _so_ go for a Big Franken PretzelTM right now…

 **LANA:** _(leans over the couch)_ You know those things go straight to your butt, right?

 **LISA:** Since when do _you_ care about having a healthy lifestyle?

 **LANA:** Since I got sick of us selling out and becoming corporate shills…

**ME: Excuse me, Lana, but if you don’t shut up about that right now, I’m going to have to take away your dialogue for the rest of this fic…**

_(Leni, Lincoln, Lana, and Lisa all look up at me, the author and narrator.)_

**LANA:** Grrr… fine. But why’d you agree to do it, anyway?

**ME: Hey, I’m not proud of it, either, but birthday party venues don’t pay for themselves!**

**LANA:** …Fair point.

 **ME:** **Now, can we _please_ get on with the story?**

 **LINCOLN:** Hey, you’re the author – we’re waiting on you!

 **LISA:** And might I just briefly add that this pointless fourth wall-breaking non-sequitur was _your_ idea?

 **ME:** **Touché.**

 **LINCOLN:** Right. Now then, where were we…? _(pulls out and reads script)_ Ah, here we go! _(turns to Leni, clears throat)_ What’s wrong, Leni?

 **LENI:** I need to gather up fifty dollars by Monday to buy a ticket to _VoM Live,_ but I’m _sooooo_ tired…! _(sighs)_ …And I’ve checked around; there are no more freelance gigs for me to do. I’ve done them all…! _(groans)_

 **LINCOLN:** Well, don’t you have a job?

 **LENI:** Payday’s on Wednesday – _after_ the live show. That’s a nope…

 **LANA:** Didn’t you just buy that purse? Why don’t you return it to the store for a refund?

 **LENI:** I can’t – I lost the receipt. _Uggghhh…_ I need to find a quick gig that will pay enough, be short enough, _and_ not require much effort on my part if I’m going to make that money in time… _(sighs)_ …But what are the odds of _that?_

_(Lynn comes down the stairs, on her cellphone.)_

**LYNN:** Yeah… Okay… Yeah… Hey, don’t sweat it… For _you?_ Of course… _(blushes)_ N-No, I-I didn’t mean… _Grrr…_ If we were face-to-face right now, I’d sock you one… Yeah, yeah, laugh it up… _(sigh)_ Okay, got it. Sure. Uh-huh. Well, I – huh? _(glances nervously at others, starts sweating)_ Uh… Y-Yeah, uh… Er… uh… _you too._

_(Lynn hangs up and sighs.)_

**LENI:** Who was that?

 **LYNN:** That was Prez. He wanted me to –

 **LANA:** Wait – who?

 **LINCOLN:** Her boyfriend.

_(Lynn blushes brightly.)_

**LYNN:** H-He—! He – He’s _not_ my boyfriend! He’s just my study buddy and training partner – _that’s all!_

 **LINCOLN:** Uh-huh. Sure, Lynn. Whatever you say…

_(Lynn snorts like an ill-tempered bull, then sucks air in through her teeth.)_

**LYNN:** _Anyways…_ Prez wanted me to pet-sit for him while he and his family were out of town for the weekend – they’re going to New Orleans to scout out Tulane University for his older brother and see the sights. He asked me to take care of his pet tuatara…

 **LENI:** His pet _what?_

 **LISA:** A _tuatara –_ a type of lizard endemic to a few small islands off the coast of New Zealand, and as you can imagine, an endangered species. How he managed to acquire one of _those_ as a pet is beyond me…

 **LYNN:** Well, whatever the case is, he wants me to look after it while he’s gone. I said yes – it might mean missing baseball practice on Saturday, but… that’s what friends do, you know?

 **LENI:** Oh? _Just_ friends?

_(Leni and the others lean in on Lynn. Lincoln snickers, Lisa does her creepy smile, and Lana goes,)_

**LANA:** _Ooooh…!_

 **LYNN:** _(blushing again)_ _Yes,_ Leni. _Just friends._

 **LENI:** Mm-hmm… Well, friends or more than friends, that’s awfully decent of you to do, Lynn…

 **LYNN:** _(shrugs)_ Eh, well… he’s also making it worth my while. He’s paying me fifty bucks for it…

_(Upon hearing that, Leni immediately perks up.)_

**LANA:** Really? He has that kind of money?

 **LYNN:** Yeah, Prez is really good with money. Says he _had_ to be, or his brother would keep stealing it…

 **LINCOLN:** And _fifty bucks_ for an easy pet-sitting job over the weekend? _Sign me up!_

 **LYNN:** Well, this isn’t just _any_ pet, Stinkoln – it’s an _exotic_ pet. Which means it requires specialized care. _(shrugs)_ Not much, though, he says – really, it’s not a lot of effort, which is kinda disappointing, I must admit…

_(Leni, having only heard the words “easy” and “not a lot of effort”, has wheels turning in her head.)_

**LYNN:** Well, I’m about to head over there now, so I’ll see you guys lat –

 **LENI:** _WAIT!_

_(Mustering all of her strength, Leni pushes herself onto her feet and lunges at Lynn, planting her hands on her shoulders.)_

**LENI:** _L-Lynn! Why don’t –! (stops, clears throat, then tries to sound more casual)_ Why don’t… _I_ pet-sit for Perez’s pet for you? That way, you can go to your baseball practice, no problem!

 **LYNN:** Okay, it’s _Prez,_ first of all, and second of all, _really?_ You – _You –_ want to pet-sit for Prez’s tuatara? You?

 **LENI:** Hey, I’m not the biggest fan of tata – Tuatha – titi – _those things,_ but for fifty dollars, I could put up with it! It’s only for one weekend, right?

_(Beat, as Lynn eyes Leni skeptically. Finally, she shrugs and sighs.)_

**LYNN:** …If you insist, Leni. _(pulls out her phone)_ Let me just give Prez a call…

_(As Lynn dials, Leni flashes a thumbs-up to Lincoln, Lana, and Lisa. Lincoln and Lana give uneasy thumbs-up back; Lisa is reading her book again and isn’t paying attention.)_

(…)

_(Cut to Prez’s house. Prez leads Leni and Lynn into his room.)_

**PREZ:** Thanks for agreeing to do this on such short notice, Leni!

 **LENI:** Oh, my pleasure, Prezzy! Can I call you that? “Prezzy”?

 **PREZ:** _(chuckles)_ Sure, Leni!

 **LENI:** You know, Lynn talks quite a bit about you, Prezzy…

 **LYNN:** _Leni!_

 **PREZ:** _(with a sly smile)_ Oh, _does_ she, now?

 **LENI:** Yeah, and from what I’ve heard, you’re alri – _iiiiIIIIIIDER!_

 **PREZ:** …Huh? I’m a writer?

 **LYNN:** What’s wrong, Leni?

 **LENI:** _Sp – Sp – SP – SPIDEEEEEEERRRR!_

_(Leni points at the cage on Prez’s desk, inside of which is a big, hairy, gangly brown tarantula. Its fearsome-looking mouthparts twitch with excitement upon seeing Leni.)_

**PREZ:** Well, more specifically, it’s a _tarantula._ But yeah – same taxonomic order, Araneae, yeah.

 **LENI:** _(wearing a tight smile)_ Ohhhh… _interesting…_ Great… _(clears throat)_ So, uh… where’s the little guy I’m gonna be pet-sitting for?

 **PREZ:** You’re looking at him!

_(Beat, as Prez takes the tarantula out of its cage.)_

**LENI:** …Say whuh?

 **PREZ:** His name’s Veep. _(thrusts Veep in Leni’s face)_ Say “hello” to Leni, Veep!

_(Extremely uncomfortable close-up on Veep as it hisses and clicks its mouthparts and blinks its eight eyes two at a time at Leni – which, of course, means “hello” in Estaranto, the international auxiliary spider-language. Leni is motionless, her eyes wide open and her pupils shrunken with a smile frozen on her face. Awkward beat.)_

**LENI:** _(unusually calm)_ …Would you excuse me for a moment?

_(Leni serenely leaves the room, crossing into the bathroom on the side of the hallway opposite Prez’s room. She shuts the door. Lynn winces at Prez, knowing what’s about to happen, while Prez looks at her in confusion. We hear Leni take a deep breath off-screen. Then:)_

**LENI (O.S.): _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

_(Leni screams for a good full minute, then exits the bathroom as calmly as she entered. When she reenters Prez’s bedroom, Lynn has plugged her ears with her fingers, while the lenses of Prez’s glasses are cracked. Lynn pulls her fingers out of her ears, the tips wet with blood, while Prez removes his glasses and puts on his spare pair, which are somehow intact.)_

**LENI:** _(still smiling, now in a slightly creepy manner)_ Now then, heheheh… _(turns to Lynn, through gritted teeth) LYNN!_ I thought you said Prez’s pet was a _tuatara!_

 **LYNN:** Wait, did I say “tuatara”? Sorry, I meant _“tarantula”._ “Tuatara”, “tarantula” – _pfft!_ I’m always getting those two mixed up!

_(Leni gives a strained laugh and an even more strained smile as she pats Lynn on the head.)_

**LENI:** _Hah, hah, hah…_ Oh, Lynn… _never change…_

_(Leni’s fingers unconsciously – or possibly consciously – start digging into Lynn’s head.)_

**LYNN:** Ow…! _Ow…! Leni…! Leni, that’s my scalp –!_

 **PREZ:** Uh… is there a problem, girls?

 **LENI:** _Problem?_ _(releases Lynn, with hair and bits of skin under her nails)_ _No!_ No, of _course_ not! I mean, who would have any _“problem”_ with such a cute, innocent… _(eye twitches)_ …eight-legged… _eight-eyed… (fingers twitch too) …disgusting… hairy… feral SPIDER?!_

 **PREZ:** I take issue with that – Veep is not “feral”! I’ve even taught him tricks! Watch this!

_(Prez puts Veep down on the table, then extends his hand to him.)_

**PREZ:** _All aboard!_

_(On command, Veep hops onto Prez’s hand, then crawls up his arm, up the side of his face, and on top of his head, nestling affectionately in his hair.)_

**PREZ:** See? He wouldn’t hurt a _fly!_

 **LENI:** Um, _hello?_ Spiders _eat_ flies!

 **PREZ:** Oh, not tarantulas. Tarantulas eat _mice!_

_(Beat. Then, Leni faints.)_

(…)

_(Shot from Leni’s POV as she comes to. Lynn is waving one of her stinky socks in her face.)_

**LYNN:** Wakey, wakey, eggs and bacey!

_(Leni snaps to full consciousness, gasping and gagging.)_

**LENI:** _Ah!_ _(coughs, pushes Lynn’s hand away) Ew, STOP!_

_(Leni sits up, coughing and panting. She is in Prez’s living room with Lynn and Prez.)_

**LYNN:** Yep, works every time – one whiff of my patented “Gym Socks” can wake the _dead!_

 **PREZ:** You don’t need to remind me – I know better than anyone!

 **LENI:** You… huh?

 **LYNN:** Oh, yeah – Prez passes out from overexertion _all the time_ on our daily runs. Always pushes himself to the limit, and then a little further…

 **PREZ:** _(shrugs)_ Eh, what can I say? I never did learn when to give up…

 **LYNN:** But one whiff of _these_ bad boys will give him a second wind in a jiff! _(points the Gym Socks at him)_

 **PREZ:** _Whoa!_ Okay… _(pushes the Gym Socks away, chuckling)_ Watch where you’re pointing that thing – it’s not a toy…

 **LENI:** _(holding her head)_ Oh… what happened?

 **PREZ:** You fainted, Leni. Is everything alright?

 **LENI:** Uh… Um… S- _Sure!_ Everything’s alright! Why wouldn’t it be? I mean, I’m only going to be in this house over the weekend, alone… w-with that nasty… _(eye twitches) …venomous… eight-legged –_

_(Lynn covers Leni’s mouth.)_

**LYNN:** Uh, _heh, heh, heh,_ right, Leni, right – we heard you the first time…

_(She looks at Leni, who gives her a pleading look. Lynn sighs.)_

**LYNN:** Prez… could you give us a moment alone?

 **PREZ:** Uh… sure?

_(Prez leaves. Lynn sits on the couch next to Leni.)_

**LYNN:** …Listen, Leni, I know what your deal with spiders is. And I’m sorry about the misunderstanding about what kind of pet Prez had. If you’re not okay with doing this, then I could do it like we originally planned, no problem! O-Or maybe I could get Lana to do it, I know she loves freaky animals –

_(Leni holds up her hand. Lynn stops.)_

**LENI:** …No, Lynn. I _have_ to do this.

 **LYNN:** You don’t have to force yourself, Leni… I mean, if you don’t want –

 **LENI:** _But I DO have to!_ Don’t you see? I need 200 dollars by Monday, and I’m fifty bucks short! This is the only way I can…

_(Beat. Then, Leni stands up.)_

**LENI:** Okay, you know what? Excuse me, but _who writes this garbage?!_ I mean, this plot is _totes_ contrived! It’s not believable _at all! What the heck, guys?!_

**ME: Okay, let me make one thing perfectly clear to all of you – Prez, could you come back in here, please?**

_(Prez reenters the living room. He, Leni, and Lynn all look at me.)_

**ME: Okay, I’m only going to say this _once,_ so _pay attention._ If you have any grievances, you can take them up with me or the higher-ups _after_ production on this fic has finished. Until then – _no. More. Fourth wall-breaking. EVER. I_** **am the writer here; _I_ am telling the story _my_ way.** **You got that?**

 **LENI:** Oh, _come on!_ Lincoln gets to break the fourth wall _all the time!_

**ME: Lincoln is allowed to do it all the time because it’s _written in his contract!_ Not in yours! So NO. MORE. Got it?**

**LENI:** Oh, no you don’t, mister! I don’t care if you’re the writer of this fic – you’re gonna _listen to me!_ _(turns to Lynn and Prez)_ Guys, come on, back me up here!

 **LYNN:** Uh, if I may say something –?

**ME: You may _not._ Leni, listen…**

_(As Leni and I debate and argue, Prez sidles up to Lynn.)_

**PREZ:** Look, just leave it, okay? This is between them.

 **LYNN:** Prez, why do you always take _his_ side? _(points at me)_

 **PREZ:** Oh, I don’t know – maybe it’s the fact that I owe _my entire existence_ to him? Duh!

 **LYNN:** So, what? Is he your _dad?_ Is that it?

 **PREZ:** No, I _have_ a dad – his name is Malcolm Taylor. _(points to me)_ _He’s_ more like my _god._

 **LYNN:** Doesn’t mean you can’t stand up to him sometimes!

 **PREZ:** You want me to _argue with God?_

 **LYNN:** Prez, you would not _believe_ the number of people – atheist and believer – that would _kill_ for that privilege!

 **PREZ:** Hrm. _(chews on that for a moment, then shrugs)_ …Well, anyways, he’s got a point, in this case.

 **LYNN:** Explain.

 **PREZ:** These meta gags are pretty funny, sure, but they also disrupt the flow of the narrative. It’s kinda annoying, honestly. I mean, why did he even decide to include them in the first place?

 **LYNN:** Actually, I had a chat with his editor a couple of days ago. Apparently, he thought this fic was _too short,_ can you believe it?

 **PREZ:** Oh, so _that’s_ what all this is? Glorified padding?

 **LYNN:** Hey, you have to admit – there’s a great deal more effort put into it than _normal_ padding, huh?

 **PREZ:** I suppose… Still, padding is padding, no matter how you dress it up…

 **LYNN:** And I mean, hey – the Christian God did it in the Bible – why can’t _your_ God do it _here?_

 **PREZ:** Oh-kayyy… _what,_ now?

 **LYNN:** Well, I mean, the only Bible books that _really_ matter are the first five, Psalms, and the Four Gospels, right?

 **PREZ:** I… wouldn’t be sure of that. I mean, the other books have lots of interesting stories – Joshua conquering the Promised Land, David and Solomon, Jonah and the whale…

 **LYNN:** Well, it’s as you said, isn’t it? Padding is padding, no matter how you dress it up…

_(Prez shrugs helplessly, not knowing how to respond to that. Beat.)_

**PREZ:** …Religion is weird.

 **LYNN:** Sure is.

 **PREZ:** But hey… at least it gives people hope.

 **LYNN:** Yeah.

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** …And also bad ideas. But hey – I’d say the “hope” thing, at least, makes it worth keeping around, wouldn’t you?

 **PREZ:** _(shrugs)_ I guess.

_(Beat. Then, Leni and I return from our walk-and-talk.)_

**ME: …and _that’s the bottom line. Period._ Now, here’s how it’s gonna play out – starting now, you do _not_ break the fourth wall anymore. Either you read your lines and play your part, or you get booted out of this fic faster than you can say “Syngenesophobia”! _Understand?_**

**LENI:** _(scoffs)_ You can’t fire _me!_ I’m the _main character_ of this fic! The entire plot, like, _revolves_ around me!

**ME: For _now._ I could just as easily go back and make some rewrites…**

**LENI:** And miss your deadline?

**ME: Wouldn’t be the first time. Heck, maybe I’ll just rewrite this _entire fic –_ make it a pure Prez x Lynn shipfic, instead!**

**LENI:** _(gasps)_ You wouldn’t _dare –!_

**ME: Don’t tempt me, honey. Now, are you gonna fall in line, or are you gonna drive this fic even further off the rails than it’s already gone, and make things worse for _all_ of us?**

_(Beat. Leni glares at me silently. Then, she storms over and sits back down on the couch, grumbling about needing to re-negotiate her contract.)_

**ME:** **Good. Okay, let’s pick up where we left off. _Places, everyone!_ Prez, out of the shot, let’s go…**

_(Prez returns to where he was before the annoying fourth-wall break earlier.)_

**LENI:** _Hey!_

_(You ZIP IT.)_

**LENI:** _Grrr…!_

**ME: Come on, people, we’re burning daylight here!**

_(Lynn also sits down next to Leni, as before.)_

**ME:** **Okay, Act 1, Scene 11, Take 2! Quiet on the set! Lights! Camera! Aaaand… _action!_**

(…)

 **LYNN:** You don’t have to force yourself, Leni… I mean, if you don’t want –

 **LENI:** _But I DO have to!_ Don’t you see? I need 200 dollars by Monday, and I’m fifty bucks short! This is the only way I can make enough money in time!

 **LYNN:** Okay, okay, _fine –_ I can see that you really want to do this. But Leni – _can_ you do this?

 **LENI:** I-It’s just one weekend! It’s not that long! I can put up with it for one weekend, really! It’s no big deal!

_(Lynn gives Leni a skeptical look. Leni grabs her arm.)_

**LENI:** Lynn, _please._ I need this money. _I need this job. Please._

_(Leni looks at Lynn pleadingly. After a few moments of indecision, Lynn relents.)_

**LYNN:** …Okay, Leni. If you say so, then okay. _(calling)_ _Prez! You can come back in now!_

_(Prez reenters the room.)_

**PREZ:** Everything okay?

 **LYNN:** Yeah, yeah, sure! I – Actually, I just remembered, Leni’s running a bit of a fever right now. Nothing serious, according to the doctor – she can still move around and do chores – but enough to make her faint if she exerts herself too much…

 **PREZ:** Oh, really?

 **LYNN:** Yeah, that’s why she fainted back there…

_(Prez reaches out to feel Leni’s forehead, but Lynn grabs his wrist.)_

**LYNN:** I-I wouldn’t get too close! She’s, uh… _really infectious_ right now!

_(Lynn leans in close to Leni.)_

**LYNN:** _(whispering)_ _Sell it…_

 **LENI:** _(whispering back) Sell what?_

 **LYNN:** _Your sickness – sell it!_

 **LENI:** _Uh… uh… (normal voice)_ Get your sickness here! Sickness, on sale now! Buy one, get one free!

 **LYNN:** _No, no – pretend to be sick!_

 **LENI:** _Oh!_

_(Leni starts jerking and spasming, doubling over in pain as she hacks and sputters like Arthur Morgan after taking a bong hit. From appearances alone, she appears to be on the brink of death.)_

**LYNN:** _Not THAT sick!_

_(Leni lies still, acting delirious and coughing softly.)_

**LENI:** _Ohhhh…_

 **LYNN:** _(to Prez)_ There, you see? You touch her, you’re exposing yourself to the virus!

_(Prez, having just watched everything previously related play out, is, naturally, quite suspicious by now.)_

**PREZ:** Hmmm… There’s something not right about this… Maybe I should –

_(Thinking fast, Lynn wraps an arm around Prez’s waist, pulling him close.)_

**LYNN:** H-Hey, you know what?! B-Before you go, why don’t we go, uh… _ride in those pedal boats at the park?!_ Yeah, those things are so cool, and, uh, i-it’s great exercise, and, uh…

 **PREZ:** Those swan-shaped boats? At the park? Wow, Lynn… I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff…

 **LYNN:** Y-Yeah, well… only if it’s with you, Prez. Only if it’s with you.

_(Prez gives a goofy grin. Leni stifles a giggle, and Lynn scowls, points at her, then runs that finger across her neck.)_

**PREZ:** Well, okay, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!

_(Lynn leads Prez out of the house and the shot, and Leni slumps down on the sofa in relief… for a moment, until Prez runs back into the house.)_

**PREZ:** Oh, hang on!

_(He runs into the kitchen, grabs a can of soda, and hands it to Leni.)_

**PREZ:** There you go, Leni – stay cool, and stay hydrated. Hope you’re feeling better when I get back!

_(Prez leaves again. Leni presses the soda can against her forehead and groans – whatever she’d just gotten herself into, it was enough to give her a fever for real…)_

(…)

_(Cut to outside the Taylor residence, where the Taylors’ pickup truck is loaded up with luggage, and the family is ready to leave for the airport.)_

**PREZ’S MOM:** Prez! Sweetie! Come on, Prez, we don’t want to be late!

 **PREZ:** Be right there!

_(He walks up to Lynn, who is standing with her arms folded.)_

**PREZ:** Well? Will you miss me while I’m gone?

 **LYNN:** _(scoffs)_ Why would I? You’ll only be gone for a couple of days! What, you think I’m so needy and clingy that I’ll call you every hour, on the hour, just to see how you’re doing? _Puh-leeze,_ loser! I am _not_ that kind of girl!

 **PREZ:** _(smiling)_ I know you’re not, Lynn. I know you’re not.

_(He leans in and gives her a quick peck on the cheek, causing her to blush.)_

**PREZ:** See you on Monday!

 **LYNN:** G- _Get out of here, already!_

_(Laughing, Prez leaves her be. He walks up to Leni, who is standing by the pickup truck.)_

**PREZ:** Okay, Leni, here’s the list of all the things you need to do to take care of Veep, all right? _(hands her the list)_ Now, you don’t need to be here all the time to follow the list; you don’t need to stay here for the weekend; just drop in for an hour or two at a time every day and make sure Veep’s needs are being met, okay?

 **LENI:** Oh… what a relief… U-Uh, be-because I had, uh, _plans!_ With friends! This weekend! _Heh, heh…_ yeah…

 **PREZ:** Right. Well… _(digs into his pockets and pulls out $25)_ _…this_ might help with those! _(gives the money to Leni)_ Now, that’s half our agreed payment; you’ll get the other half when I get back, okay?

 **LENI:** Got it!

 **PREZ:** All righty. Thanks again, Leni!

_(He hops into the backseat of the pickup and leans out the window.)_

**PREZ:** Oh, and try not to get germs all over our house, huh?

 **LENI:** _Germs?!_ Oh – _Oh,_ right, _my_ germs! From my, uh… sickness! _(coughs)_ Oh… Got it!

_(Prez gives Leni a thumbs-up, which she returns, and he waves goodbye as the truck pulls out and drives off. Leni and Lynn wave him off, then Lynn approaches Leni.)_

**LYNN:** Okay, well, that’s that, then. I’ve gotta go to baseball practice now. So, uh… _(smiles uneasily)_ _…good luck,_ Leni….

 **LENI:** Thanks, Lynn! Have fun!

_(Lynn waves goodbye, then leaves. Leni takes a deep breath.)_

**LENI:** Okay, Leni, you can do this… It’s just for a few days, okay? You can do this… Just repeat to yourself: _You can do this…_

(…)

_(Cut to Leni decked out in protective gear, including football equipment and oven mitts.)_

**LENI:** _I so CANNOT do this!_

_(She is standing on the opposite side of Prez’s room from Veep’s cage, clutching a hockey stick that Prez never uses for hockey, and watching Veep warily. Even though Veep is safely contained within his cage, Leni still regards him warily. She inches closer to him one baby step at a time.)_

**LENI:** N-Nice spider… Goooood spider…

_(Happy with being praised, Veep twitches his front legs, causing Leni to scream and flee in terror, resorting to hiding under his brother Jack’s bed.)_

**LENI:** O-O-O-O-O-Okay, um… l-l-l-l-let’s see what’s on the t-t-t-t-t-to-do list here…

_(She shakily pulls out the list Prez provided her with and starts reading it.)_

**PREZ (V.O.):** “Make sure that Veep has enough water in his habitat. The shallow dish is his drinking pool. There should be enough water for him to drink, but not too much for him to drown in.”

 **LENI:** Yeah, and wouldn’t _that_ be a shame…

_(Cut to Leni holding a water bottle and standing outside Prez’s doorway, peeking in. Veep was still there, in his cage, waiting for Leni to come and play with him. Leni gulps.)_

**LENI:** M-M-M-Maybe… M-M-Maybe I could just… _skip this step._ You know? I-I mean, he doesn’t _really_ need water, does he? Maybe…

_(Just then, a thought occurs to Leni. An imagination bubble appears above her head. In it, a gravestone reading “Here Lies Veep, The Icky Tarantula – Died Of Dehydration” is shown, and Prez is seen in funeral attire, weeping and placing flowers on Veep’s grave.)_

**IMAGINARY PREZ:** Oh, why, cruel world? Why did you have to take my Veep away? _Why?!_

_(Imaginary Leni, also in funeral attire, walks up to Imaginary Prez, who stands up and shoots her a furious glare.)_

**IMAGINARY PREZ:** _You!_ You were supposed to be taking care of him! _(pulls out the other $25)_ You can forget about the rest of your payment!

_(He rips up the bills and storms off. Imaginary Leni regards the shredded bills mournfully, then looks up and sees Lori, Lucy, and the cast of Vampires of Melancholia in costume in the graveyard. Imaginary Lori is taking selfies with Imaginary Blake Bradley, and Imaginary Edward Moore is kissing Imaginary Lucy’s hand. Excited, Imaginary Leni rushes to join them, but is stopped by two skeletons dressed in tuxedoes.)_

**SNAZZY SKELETON #1:** We’re sorry, but this party is by invite only.

 **SNAZZY SKELETON #2:** Where is your ticket, madame?

 **IMAGINARY LENI:** M-My ticket?

_(The skeletons loom over her menacingly. Cut to Imaginary Leni getting thrown out of the cemetery and the gates getting slammed in her face. Imaginary Leni grabs the gateposts and yanks on them desperately, but to no avail.)_

**IMAGINARY LENI:** _(sinking to her knees) NOOOOOOO!_

_(Leni’s imagine spot ends. She looks down at the water bottle in her hands, then at Veep, then sighs heavily, knowing that she has to do the duty she was entrusted with. Leni enters the room with her eyes closed and manages to find her way over to Veep’s cage. After some fumbling, she opens the top of the cage and pours the water into the bowl, peeking out of the corner of her eye. As soon as the task is done, she slams the lid shut and bolts out of the room, panting heavily. Beat.)_

**LENI:** H… Hey… that was _easy! (laughs)_ I did it! _(gasps)_ I… I think I’ve got it! All I have to do is _not look directly at Veep_ while I’m taking care of him, and I should be fine! _(takes a deep breath, cocks fists)_ You _do_ got this, Leni Loud! You _do_ got this! _(laughs, pulls out list)_ Okay, what’s next?

 **PREZ (V.O.):** You also have to feed Veep once a day. I keep a stash of frozen dead mice in a mini-fridge under the table where Veep’s cage is; all you have to do is take one, drop it in his cage, and he’ll do the re –

_(Smash cut to Leni leaving the house.)_

**LENI:** Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Mm-mm. Uh-uh. Nope. No way. No sir. Goodbye. See ya. Ta-ta. Mm-hmm! So long! No, no! Absolutely –

_(Another imagination bubble appears over Leni’s head.)_

**LENI:** Oh no, not again…

_(In the new imagination bubble, Veep’s tombstone reads “Here Lies Veep, The Hairy Tarantula – Died Of Starvation”. Once again, Imaginary Prez is mourning at his grave.)_

**IMAGINARY PREZ:** Why, Veep?! Why did you have to go…?!

_(Once again, Imaginary Leni walks up to him, and once again, Imaginary Prez is furious with her, pulling out the $25.)_

**IMAGINARY PREZ:** Our deal is _off!_ _(tears up the bills and storms off)_

_(Once again, Imaginary Leni sees Imaginary Lori and Imaginary Lucy meeting the Imaginary Cast of Imaginary Vampires of Melancholia, only to be cut off from joining them by the two snazzy skeletons, who toss her out of the cemetery. Once again, the gates are shut in Imaginary Leni’s face, and she takes it poorly. The imagination bubble dissipates, leaving the real Leni looking very guilty.)_

**LENI:** Oh, no…

(…)

_(Cut to Leni dangling a frozen dead mouse by its tail.)_

**LENI:** Ew… Ew… Ew, ew, ew…

_(She gingerly walks it over to Veep’s cage.)_

**LENI:** O M Gosh, this is _so_ gross… Okay, Leni, don’t look… _Doooon’t looook…_

_(She feels around for the top of the cage.)_

**LENI:** Ah… Come on, where is it…?

_(Unable to find it, Leni takes a peek – and lays eyes on Veep.)_

**LENI:** _AAAAAHHHH!_

_(Startled, Leni drops the dead mouse under the table.)_

**LENI:** Oh, _great…!_

_(She gets on her hands and knees and looks for the mouse underneath the table. No matter where she looks, she can’t find it, and is about to give up and grab another one from the mini-fridge until she shifts her weight and feels something under her knee. She realizes that she had been kneeling on the dead mouse the entire time.)_

**LENI:** _Ahhh! (starts and bumps head on underside of table; cradles back of head) Ssssss… Oooooh…_

_(Groaning, Leni stands up. She wipes off her knee as best she can, then takes a deep breath. Then, fast as she can, she picks up the crushed mouse, looks at Veep’s cage, throws open the top gate, drops the mouse inside, then runs for dear life. She barricades herself in the bathroom, hyperventilating, before snapping her fingers confidently.)_

**LENI:** Piece of cake! And now, to take a three-hour long shower. Where’s the steel wool…?

(…)

_(Cut to the next day. Leni is pacing back and forth in the hallway of Prez’s house.)_

**LENI:** Okay, Leni, okay… Prez and his family will be back tomorrow morning. Then he’ll pay you, then you can buy the ticket, and then this whole ordeal will be _over._ Just _one more day,_ that’s all you need to hold out for. _One more day. (takes a deep breath)_ Let’s do this.

_(While covering her eyes, Leni manages to feed and water Veep, then gets the heck out of Dodge – er, the city, that is, not me. Once she’s out in the hallway, she throws her fists up in the air.)_

**LENI:** _Yyyyyes! I did it! HAHAHA! (takes out Prez’s list) Take THAT, you little scrap of paper! HA! Ha, ha, ha – (list unfolds)_ Oh, there’s more? _(examines rest of the list)_

 **PREZ (V.O.):** One last thing – Veep’s cage needs cleaning every two weeks. Now, I’ve cleaned his cage prior to writing this…

 **LENI:** _Phew!_

 **PREZ (V.O.):** …and by “prior to,” I mean “two weeks before”, so you’ll have to clean his cage.

 **LENI:** _Un-phew!_

 **PREZ (V.O.):** Just take Veep out of his cage and store him in a temporary container. (I usually use some Tupperware, it’s in the kitchen.) Cleaning the cage is simple enough – just use warm water, dish soap, a sponge, and a dry rag. That’s all there is to it. Afterwards, just put Veep back in his cage and replace his water.

_(Leni lowers the list, wide-eyed and shaking. She slowly turns to glance in Veep’s direction.)_

**LENI:** I… have to _pick up…_ that _thing… with my HANDS?!_

_(Beat. Then, cut to Leni leaving the house as fast as she can.)_

**LENI:** _(panting)_ _Huff… Huff… Huff…_ _No ticket is worth_ _THIS! Huff… Huff… Hu – OOP!_

_(She trips on one of the steps to the Taylor residence and scrapes her knee.)_

**LENI:** _Owww!_ _(examines scrape)_ Oh, I hope no dirt got in there…

_(This innocuous comment causes yet another imagination bubble to appear over Leni’s head.)_

**LENI:** Oh, please, _no…_

_(This time, Veep’s headstone reads “Here Lies Veep, The Not-So-Itsy-Bitsy Tarantula – Died Of Disease”. Imaginary Prez mourns him yet again.)_

**IMAGINARY PREZ:** _Why?!_

_(When Imaginary Leni walks up to him, Imaginary Prez scowls at her, takes out the $25, and tears it up in front of her. Imaginary Leni is yet again thrown out of the cemetery and left screaming at its closed gates. The imagination bubble dissipates, and this time Leni is in tears over knowing what she must do.)_

**LENI:** _Ohhhhh…!_ I _hate_ you, conscience!

(…)

_(Cut to Leni putting on first a surgical glove, then a safety glove, then an oven mitt – all over the same hand. Whimpering, she forces herself to inch closer and closer to Veep’s cage and eventually open it, trembling the whole while. She puts the Tupperware down on the table, then positions her gloved hand over Veep’s cage. Veep, elated that Leni is finally going to cuddle him after all this time, starts reaching out to her.)_

**LENI:** _(terrified out of her wits)_ Ohhh… _Ohhh…_ I can’t believe I’m about to do this…

_(For a moment, her resolve falters, and she nearly gives up. But then she remembers what’s at stake, and how hard she worked to get here, and she takes a heavy gulp.)_

**LENI:** _(eyes shut tight)_ Do it for Lori… Do it for Blake Bradley…!

_(Leni finally lowers her hand into Veep’s cage.)_

**LENI:** This is the hard part, Leni… This is the hard part… Just get it over with, clean the cage, put the _ssssspider_ back, and then it’s _all aboard the VoM-Comet!_

_(Hearing the words “all aboard”, Veep follows his training and leaps onto Leni’s hand, and starts crawling up her arm. When Leni feels the first prickle of one of his hairy legs on her arm, her eyes shoot open, and she freezes. Cut to outside the Taylor residence, where all is quiet and peaceful.)_

**LENI (O.S.): _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

_(Leni’s supersonic scream startles the birds out of the nearby trees, cracks windowpanes, and causes any unfortunate dogs in the blast radius to start rolling on the ground and howling in pain. Cut to inside, where Leni is flailing around like a spastic on fire.)_

**LENI:** **_SPIDER! SPIIIIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEER! GET IT OOOOOOFFFFFFF! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF – Ah –!_**

_(Despite Leni’s best efforts, Veep’s affection for Leni gives him the strength he needs to hold on. He makes it up to her shoulder, then clings to her cheek and climbs up the side of her face. Leni realizes, to her utter terror, that Veep is now on her face and looking her dead in the eye. Veep wiggles his middle legs and blinks his eyes four at a time in a specific pattern – which is Estaranto for “I love you”.)_

**LENI: _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH –!_**

_(Leni’s fight-or-flight instincts kick in, and, disregarding her phobia, she grabs Veep with her non-gloved hand and hurls him at the wall with all her deceptive might. Veep hits the wall with the force of a test car, and he’s the test dummy. He slides to the floor, limp, while Leni makes a beeline for the bathroom and starts scrubbing her face furiously.)_

**LENI:** Never clean again, never clean again, _never clean again, NEVER CLEAN AGAIN –_

_(Leni freezes. The realization of what she’d just done hits her like a drunken lush hits his wife – hard, and without mercy.)_

**LENI:** Oh my gosh – _Veep!_

_(She rushes back into the room, and Veep is lying on the floor, unmoving.)_

**LENI:** Oh, no… Veep… What have I _done?_ Oh, Veep… I’m so sorry –

_(Veep revives – it turns out he was only MOSTLY dead – and starts squeaking and twitching, which, of course, is Estaranto for “Whyyyyyy…?” Leni leaps to her feet.)_

**LENI:** _AHHHH! IT’S ALIVE!_

_(Acting on reflex, Leni whips out her trusty bug spray and gives Veep a faceful of pesticides, causing him to die a horrible, choking death – but since he’s a hideous, hair-covered spider, it’s okay not to feel bad for him. Once the gas cloud clears, Leni realized that Veep is now truly, sincerely dead – once again, all because of her.)_

**LENI:** Oh, no… Veep… What have I done _again? (starts pacing the room)_ Oh no, oh no, oh no… I killed Prez’s pet spider! And you know what _that_ means…

_(Close-up on Leni’s face, as tearing sounds are heard. The shreds of $25 fall around her like capitalist snowflakes, and we zoom out to see that Leni is in her imaginary funeral clothes and kneeling outside the cemetery gates, which close on her. Go to commercial.)_

(…)

**YOU’RE WATCHING “THE LOUD HOUSE”, ON NICK!**

(…)

_(Two dudes in their 20s sit watching a football game, looking bored.)_

**FIRST DUDE:** Man, this game would be _so_ much more enjoyable if we had some _real_ snacks…

 **SECOND DUDE:** I know, right? I mean, _(holds up little baby pretzel)_ there’s gotta be a better pretzel than _these_ puny things…

 **HERR WERNER SCHNITZEL:** _ACHTUNG!_

_(Herr Werner Schnitzel, a tall, blond, blue-eyed man dressed in an SS uniform, bursts out of the floor, surprising the two dudes and undoubtedly causing a lot of property damage for the landlord to deal with later.)_

**DUDES:** _Whoa! Herr Werner Schnitzel!_

 **HERR WERNER SCHNITZEL:** I present you with the Final Solution… _TO YOUR SNACK PROBLEM!_

_(Herr Schnitzel basically throws two Big Franken Pretzels TM in the dudes’ faces.)_

**SECOND DUDE:** Whoa! Big Franken PretzelsTM!

 **FIRST DUDE:** Whoa! The flavors are _blitzing my mouth,_ dude!

 **SECOND DUDE:** Whoa!

 **FIRST DUDE:** Whoa!

 **SECOND DUDE:** _Whoa!_

 **FIRST DUDE:** _Whoa!_

 **HERR WERNER SCHNITZEL:** _(doing the Nazi salute)_ _SIEG HEIL!_

 **FIRST DUDE:** _WHOA!_

 **SECOND DUDE:** _WHOOOA!_

 **DUDES:** _(at each other)_ **_WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA…_**

_(Shot of Big Franken Pretzels TM products as the two dudes continue screaming at each other in the background.)_

**ANNOUNCER:** Big Franken PretzelsTM – Who says the Germans never did anything _right?_

_(Barely-readable disclaimers at the bottom of the screen read that the company that owns the Big Franken Pretzels TM brand is a subsidiary of The Trump Organization.)_

(…)

**NOW, BACK TO “THE LOUD HOUSE” ON NICK!**

**KEEP IT HERE!**

(…)

_(We reopen on a fresh grave, with a big, crude wooden cross serving as a headstone. We then zoom out to see that the grave is tiny, and the cross is made out of twigs and barely reaches Leni’s ankle.)_

**LENI:** I’m so sorry, Veep – I don’t know what came over me…

_(Leni plants the garden trowel she used to bury Veep in the dirt pointy end down.)_

**LENI:** Oh, what am I going to do now? Prez is going to _hate_ me – and more than that, he not only won’t give me the other half of the payment, he’s probably going to want the _first_ half back! _(starts pacing)_ Oh, this is bad… I-I’ve gotta fix this; I’ve gotta _do something;_ I’ve gotta think… _think… THINK…!_

_(FLASHBACK)_

**LENI:** _Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders. Though, this one looks pretty real…_

_(END OF FLASHBACK)_

**LENI:** _(gasps, snaps her fingers) Euchre!_ No, wait, um… _Uranium!_ No, no, uh… _Yurification!_ Yeah, that’s it! _YURIFICATION! (strokes her chin)_ Maybe… I can make it so that Prez won’t _know_ that Veep is dead, so I can still get my money!

_(She checks the time on her watch.)_

**LENI:** Hmm, it’s getting late – I’ll have to work fast!

_(Leni runs off towards her house.)_

(…)

_(Cut to an establishing shot of the Loud house, late at night. Everyone is asleep – well, ALMOST everyone. Not Leni – who clearly could not be Leni, because she was wearing a scarf wrapped around her neck and covering her mouth – sneaks out of Lori and Leni’s room and into Luna and Luan’s room. She checks to make sure the rocker and the punster are sound asleep, then puts her plan into action. She scours Luan’s closet, looking for her target – and when she finds it, she only barely manages to stifle a scream. With a quick *snip* of the scissors from Leni’s sewing kit – which Not Leni had borrowed – her prize is secure, and she turns to leave.)_

**VOICE IN THE DARKNESS:** _Why…?_

_(Not Leni freezes dead in her tracks.)_

**VOICE IN THE DARKNESS:** _Why…? Why…?_

 **NOT LENI:** _(whispering)_ …Veep?

_(Apprehensively, Not Leni turns around… to see that the voice was coming from a still-sleeping Luan.)_

**LUAN:** _Zzzzz…_ Why… _Zzzzz…_ Why… did the fraction… not want to… marry the decimal? _Zzzzz…_ Because it didn’t… want to _convert! Hahahahaha… Ha… Ha… Zzzzz…_

_(Not Leni breathes a sigh of relief – Luan is just sleep-punning again. She sneaks down the stairs, out the front door, and over to Prez’s house.)_

(…)

_(Transition to the next day. Prez’s family truck pulls into their driveway, and Lynn and an anxious-looking Leni are waiting to greet them.)_

**LYNN:** Prez!

_(Lynn runs up to Prez and slugs him in the arm.)_

**LYNN:** So? How was New Orleans?

 **PREZ:** Great! I got you a souvenir…

_(Lynn sighs as Prez gets his gift out of his suitcase.)_

**LYNN:** Prez, how many times do I have to say it? You can’t buy my love with cheap gi – _(gasps as Prez presents his gift)_ Is that a spice rack… _filled with Cajun spices?_

 **PREZ:** Now you can make your very own po’boys, right here in Royal Woods!

 **LYNN:** _Oh…! (gives Prez a bear hug)_ I _love it!_ And I love –

_(Leni clears her throat, and Lynn realizes that she is staring at the both of them and grinning. Lynn quickly releases Prez and plays it cool.)_

**LYNN:** And – And I _love…_ the rack the spices came in! Yeah it’s… very nice… _(clears throat)_ Here, let me help you with your bags…

_(Lynn picks up Prez’s suitcase and hauls it over her shoulder. Prez smiles and rolls his eyes, walking up to Leni.)_

**PREZ:** Hey, Leni! So, how’s my little splendid arachnid?

 **LENI:** _(smiling widely)_ _Great!_ He’s, uh… _doing great!_ He, uh… can’t wait to see you!

 **PREZ:** I’ll bet! That little guy is just so dang affectionate, isn’t he?

 **LENI:** Heh, heh, heh… _Yeah…_

_(Prez and Leni go inside, and enter Prez’s room. Prez goes up to the cage that formerly belonged to Veep.)_

**PREZ:** Hey, little buddy! I’m _back!_

_(Beat.)_

**PREZ:** …Veep?

_(Beat. Prez taps the cage.)_

**PREZ:** Huh… he’s usually a lot more active than this…

 **LENI:** _(sweating nervously)_ Oh, he’s, uh… p-probably just, uh… _tuckered out_ from all the playtime we had together last night!

 **PREZ:** Is that right? Well, that was awfully nice of you, Leni!

 **LENI:** Heh, heh… Yep! That’s me! The girl who wouldn’t hurt a spider – uh, _fly!_ Wouldn’t hurt a fly!

 **PREZ:** I don’t doubt it! Looks like you did a bang-up job taking care of – Hey… wait a minute…

_(Leni’s eyes widen, as she fears the jig is up.)_

**PREZ:** …You didn’t clean Veep’s cage!

 **LENI:** Wha…? _Oh!_ Oh, that, I, uh… _(chuckles)_ I-I guess I, uh… _eheh…_ Ahem – I-I was _going_ to clean it, but then I just started playing with Veep, and, uh… _heh…_

 **PREZ:** Hmm, I see… _(stands up straight)_ Oh, well – no harm done, I suppose…

 **LENI:** Right! Well, if that’s all, I guess I’ll be seeing you around, then!

_(Leni about-faces and goes to leave.)_

**PREZ:** Hold it _right there,_ Miss Leni Loud!

_(Leni tenses up again, expecting her goose to be cooked any minute now…)_

**PREZ:** …I haven’t paid you the full amount for your services yet.

 **LENI:** _…Oh!_ Oh, my… _(laughs)_ I-I almost forgot…!

 **PREZ:** Well, don’t worry, Leni – I gotcha!

_(Prez reaches into his pocket and pulls out 25 bucks. Leni stretches out her hand eagerly.)_

**PREZ:** Thanks again for all your help, Leni. I have a question, though…

 **LENI:** _(smiling)_ What’s that, Prezzy?

 **PREZ:** _…Where’s Veep?_

_(Several very silent beats.)_

**LENI:** W… Wh… Wha… Wha-Wha-What are you –?

 **PREZ:** _(sighs)_ Leni, I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you lied to me about losing Veep…

_(Prez holds up the fake spider Not Leni had pilfered from Luan the night before.)_

**PREZ:** …or the fact that you thought this cheap, plastic toy spider would actually fool me.

_(One of the fake spider’s googly eyes falls off. Leni falls to her knees.)_

**LENI:** _I’m so sorry! It was an accident! I didn’t mean to do it! I swear, I – (raises head)_ Wait – did you say “losing” Veep?

 **PREZ:** Eh, he probably slipped out of his container when you were about to clean his cage, didn’t he?

 **LENI:** Uh… U-Um… Uhhhhhhyyyyyy _yyyyyes!_ Yes, that’s _exactly_ what happened!

 **PREZ:** _(chuckles)_ Yeah, he’s an adventurer, that one… _(shrugs)_ Ah, well. _(hands Leni the $25)_ There’s your money, Leni. Have a nice day!

_(Leni looks at the money in her hands, confused.)_

**LENI:** What…? But… But I ki – uh, _lost_ Veep!

 **PREZ:** Yeah, don’t worry about it – he’ll come scampering back on his own once he’s hungry. He always does. Actually, one time, he got loose when we had a mouse infestation in the house. He didn’t come back until he’d hunted all the mouses to extinction. _(sighs contentedly)_ Ah, Veep…

_(Beat.)_

**PREZ:** Well, other than that, it looks like you fed and watered him, so that’s enough merit for the rest of your reward. Don’t worry about trying to help me find Veep – he’ll be back. You can go now, Leni.

 **LENI:** Uh… _(looks at money in her hands)_ …right! Thanks!

_(Leni turns around and starts to walk away.)_

**LENI (V.O.):** _This… This is PERFECT! Prez doesn’t suspect a thing! And now I have enough money to pay Tucker and buy that VoM Live ticket! He thinks Veep is lost, and is going to come back…_

_(Leni looks back at Prez, smiling and reading Shonen manga. She stops. Beat.)_

**LENI (V.O.):** _Except… Veep is NEVER coming back… is he? Because of me…_

_(She looks at the money in her hands again. Beat.)_

**LENI (V.O.):** _Ohhh… I hate you, conscience…_

_(Leni takes a deep breath, then turns back around and walks up to Prez.)_

**LENI:** Prez… I’m sorry…

 **PREZ:** Leni, I told you, it’s no big deal –

 **LENI:** No, Prez, you… you need to know the truth.

_(Beat. Then, Prez turns around in his seat.)_

**PREZ:** …The truth?

 **LENI:** The truth is… I didn’t lose Veep. _(closes her eyes)_ I… I _killed_ him.

 **PREZ:** _(stands up)_ K _-Killed him?!_ What?! Why?!

 **LENI:** He… He crawled up my arm, and… and, I freaked out, and… threw him against the wall.

 **PREZ:** But _why?_ Why would you do something like that?

 **LENI:** Prez, the truth… the truth is… _(takes a deep breath)_ The truth is, I’m… _I’m afraid of spiders._

 **PREZ:** What? Wh – Since _when?_

 **LENI:** Since _always!_

 **PREZ:** Well… then why didn’t you _say so?_

 **LENI:** I _couldn’t!_ I knew that if you knew, you wouldn’t let me have the job, and I… I _needed_ this job! I _needed_ the money!

 **PREZ:** For _what?_ What was so important to you that you needed to take a job that required dealing with your worst fear?

 **LENI:** A… A-A _ticket._ To _Vampires of Melancholia Live._

_(Beat.)_

**PREZ:** So… So, that’s it, then? You offered to take care of Veep, even though you were terrified of him, then you killed him after he spooked you, like you knew he would? All to get my money for a ticket to a live show?

 **LENI:** I…

_(Beat. Then, without a word, Prez turns around and grabs his chair, dragging it over to the table. He puts it in front of Veep’s old cage, sits down, and stares at the empty cage forlornly. Leni approaches him from behind.)_

**LENI:** Prez… if it’s any consolation, I buried him in the backyard…

_(Prez doesn’t respond. Several beats pass in silence.)_

**PREZ:** You know… the way I say Lynn was my first real friend… it’s true _and_ false. Before her, I only had my tarantulas. Veep wasn’t my first, but he was _definitely_ my favorite. Having an animal friend is a lot different from having a human friend, obviously, but one thing they have in common… is the void they leave in your heart after they’re gone.

 **LENI:** I… I never realized how much he meant to you…

 **PREZ:** How could you? You’re scared of spiders. You’re _incapable_ of seeing them the way I do…

_(Beat. Then, Leni shakes her head and holds out the $25 to Prez.)_

**LENI:** …Here. You can have this back. _(digs out the other $25 and holds it out to him as well)_ And the other half. I clearly don’t deserve it after what I did…

_(Prez waves tiredly over his shoulder.)_

**PREZ:** …Keep it.

 **LENI:** _What?_

 **PREZ:** Keep it. It’s yours.

 **LENI:** But… But _why?_

 **PREZ:** _…Heh._ You know? I’m really not sure, myself. Whatever. Just _keep it._

 **LENI:** I… uh… Th-Thank you, Prezzy…

 **PREZ:** Don’t call me that, please. _(rests chin on the table, sighs)_ Have fun at your live show…

_(Prez continues to stare at Veep’s empty cage with a melancholic expression. Leni, now somehow feeling even more guilty than before, can’t think of anything to say to him, and so leaves, dismayed. She looks at the $50 Prez paid her for the job she failed at; the money that she doesn’t deserve. With this, she now has enough money to pay “Tucker” for the VoM Live ticket, and today is Monday, meaning that today is her last chance to buy the ticket before “Tucker” sold it to someone else. Leni’s hands clench into fists around her wads of bills, and she sets out down the road with a determined expression. She knows exactly what she’s going to spend all her money on…)_

(…)

_(Later, Prez has just finished cleaning the now-vacant tarantula cage, setting it down on the table. As he stares at it somberly, he hears a knock on the door.)_

**PREZ:** Who is it?

_(The door opens, and Leni enters the room with a penitent look on her face.)_

**LENI:** Um… hi, Prez.

_(Prez doesn’t turn to look at her.)_

**PREZ:** Oh… it’s you.

 **LENI:** Yeah… _(clears throat)_ Listen, um… I… feel bad… about… um… what happened… you know?

 **PREZ:** Well, I’m sure you do. But there’s nothing that can be done about it now. What’s done is done. _(sits in his chair)_ Veep’s gone… and he’s _never_ coming back.

 **LENI:** I know. That’s why… I decided to make it up to you.

 **PREZ:** I told you, Leni, you can keep the money. Go buy yourself that ticket to _VaM Live,_ or whatever it was…

 **LENI:** I already spent the money.

 **PREZ:** Well, _great._ But why are you telling _me?_

 **LENI:** …Because I didn’t spend it on the ticket.

_(Prez stands up and faces her, shocked.)_

**PREZ:** _What?_ But… I thought that was the whole reason you took this gig! If you didn’t spend it on the ticket, then _what did you spend it on?_

 **LENI:** …I bought you a new pet tarantula.

_(Beat.)_

**PREZ:** Wh… What? You – Wait, wait. _You_ bought me a new pet tarantula? I thought you were scared of spi –?

 **LENI:** Well… my sister Lana picked it out for you, actually. I just provided the money.

_(Lana enters the room, carrying a tarantula in a cage. Leni avoids looking at her – and by extension, it.)_

**LANA:** Yup! And I picked you a good species, too! Relatively low maintenance, softer bristles, _and_ gentle temperament!

_(Prez takes a closer look at the new tarantula. Lana holds up the cage for him.)_

**PREZ:** Eww, look at the way his eyes twitch, and his mouthpieces slather…

_(Leni shares a concerned look with Lana, worried that Prez doesn’t like his new pet.)_

**PREZ:** …I _love him already!_ Thank you, Leni – this is _wonderful!_

 **LENI:** _(smiles)_ It’s the least I could do… Prezzy.

_(Prez gratefully takes the new tarantula from Lana and goes to place it on his table.)_

**PREZ:** I think I’ll call you Fillmore…!

 **LANA:** Hey, Leni, I’ve gotta say: it was pretty cool of you to give up your hard-earned cash just to make amends for when you screwed up.

 **LENI:** Thanks, Lana. And you know, maybe the next time I need money badly, I’ll turn down a job that’s too much for me to handle, no matter _how_ desperate I am. I may not be going to _VoM Live,_ but at least I learned a valuable lesson.

 **LORI:** Oh, I wouldn’t say _that…_

_(Lana and Leni turn around to see Lori and Lynn in the doorway of Prez’s bedroom. Prez, having gotten Fillmore situated, joins Lana and Leni in looking surprised to see them.)_

**LENI:** Guys? What are you doing here?

 **LYNN:** Oh, we just dropped by to give you… _(pulls out VoM Live ticket with a flourish)_ …your ticket to _VoM Live!_

 **LENI:** _WHAT?! B – H – Buh – Howid – D – I – J…_ H-How… How did you guys _get that?!_

 **LORI:** We bought it from Flip!

 **LENI:** Flip?

 **LORI:** Ugh… Oh, excuse me, I meant “Tucker”!

 **LENI:** Oh. But – wait, _how?_ Where did you get the money?

 **LYNN:** You know that expensive new purse you just bought?

 **LENI:** Yeah?

 **LORI:** Lynn and I returned it to the boutique for a full refund! It was more than enough to pay for the ticket!

 **LENI:** No way! How did you do that? I lost the receipt!

 **LORI:** Lynn _found_ the receipt.

 **LENI:** Where?!

 **LORI & LYNN: ** _In your new purse, Leni!_

 **LENI:** …Oh.

_(A long, awkward beat ensues.)_

**LENI:** So… So, everything I did over these past few days was –

 **LYNN:** Pointless?

 **PREZ:** Redundant?

 **LORI:** A complete waste of time?

 **LANA:** _(raises her hand)_ _Ooh! Ooh!_ “D – all of the above”!

_(Beat. Then, Leni faints. Lori, Lynn, Prez, and Lana all gather around her.)_

**PREZ:** Oh, boy… looks like that fever’s flaring up again. Lynn! I think this calls for the Gym Socks!

_(Lynn proudly whips out her Gym Socks on a stick; Lori looks nauseous, Prez holds his nose, and Lana looks excited.)_

**THE END**


End file.
